I wish I was still in Marlboro with her ..who knew this would be the only time in my life I had some form of peace I saw her slipping away I became worse my money taken from me made me guilty and I could not deal with that guilt I became withdrawn and knowing we were done I tried to find the love that I lost was loosing. I remained faithful during those times of closure ...and still even years after I remained this while there was no need to ..
I feel my time is about up.. I cannot continue in such mental anguish why did you leave me again..I can at least feel happy I paid you back everything you said I owed you ..you have no idea how bad and cutting that was for me ..it was never about the money with me If I had money you would have been taken care of fully like my present wife whom I paid for for years and now she is doing well and I take zero ..I am poor and she is doing ok ..I pay all the bills as my money came back thru struggle
..I live this way as I cannot take unless forced to I have always been this way.. and i felt I was having done to me something I would not do to others ..I have things in my life that I would never put others through and still I get what I would not have others go thru ..KARMA is a lie ...I hold nothing against you ..but you have no idea how difficult it was to not give you a hard parting time ..you had said you would always talk to me and did not ..That person hitting on you during college I could have gone after him I chose not to .. you had no idea what I knew . I only tried to help you and your family even as your mom continued to bring pictures of guys for you to be with .. that was a bit disrespectful I suppose GOD thought I deserved it all, so who am I to say otherwise . lol
I can unfortunately remember quite a bit from when i was a child. For instance my mom was very amazed that I remember her bathing me in the sink and to back up this memory I told her our landlord came and he was TALL towered over my Dad black hair mustache ..I told her where he stood what the room looked like in great detail..I was not a year old yet is why she could not believe me .
Now the Unfortunate part is that I can remember the nightmares the fear terror of sleep ..I remember the fear of being awake ..the fear of eating with my dad and worrying I would say the wrong word that one time ..I remember my school the daily bullying the running home almost daily being smaller being in school earlier than they ..
I ESPECIALLY remember the terror of believing in GOD and knowing he hated me and understanding I was going to hell ..this was beyond what I should have had ..Fear of demons fear of the devil .. and the reality of no loving God as hell was waiting for my death .. as I walked into my sisters room and seeing her dead reinforced these thoughts..knowing we were not safe there is no one there to help me ..
I was abused almost every day since I was small ..and somehow GOD loves me ..lmaooooooo! Yet I know the only way that it makes sense is with God and with Christ so I continue to explain as best I can the reality as such ..knowing in my head saving was never meant for me just others .. No I have been hated since my birth and will be hated until my death . I have no way to fight back against this nor all the bad that was allowed to wreck me ..
I couldnt even have one friend that stuck it out with me still heartbroken over this .she just stops talking like I was trash I was dumb to believe someone could care ..my wife now ..smh .. living in a loveless marriage when I had so much to give she says she does though ..thats always nice as we have done nothing for 3 years plus .. I do love her at least who else would put up with my mind with hallucinations with things in it constantly distracting me talking to me showing me pictures to look at .forcing me to solve the problems they present having to talk to people and shut up my head from interrupting them talking to me .. I managed to turn this to my advantage as I now have "us" in line to solve different problems needed ..its like a quadruple filter check..but ..seeing me getting older one step closer to when the real fun begins .. ya im am loved alright .. I cannot work and am judged on this or at least was ..
so sorry I dont work I suppose people think its fucking fun to not be able to fuck you people want to trade ..I have a feeling most would die on the spot trying to not go insane ..and I am sure if anyone ever read this they would assume I already lost that fight ..maybe I have. I do wish my wife the best ..I hold nothing against her she really has no clue what I deal with daily either ive become quite well at covering things I see that is not real with what is real and separating them ..for instance I do know when speaking with her a black shadow floating around is not real and she is.. and ya i do feel the shadows may be real but for the purpose of my life they dont exist as they do not help me making them irrelevant for my purpose
still now i am just depressed I want to break daily ..but I dont, I keep going ..I wont .. because FUCK YOU thats why .. my torment is far beyond what one should have dealt with ..
..my nephew I didn't help him I couldn't my head couldn't deal with all the stress of people downstairs banging on my floor yelling 3 am .. next apartment heroin users knocking ..see I was the person to talk to because I was friendly ..i helped and the one time I couldn't my nephew kills himself ..and now no one talks to me because of course it my fault ..sure toss that in my heart why not.. I literally can write a book on all the bad .IDK ..I can never lie to myself and say there is not God as I have seen proof for me and knowing not hallucinations as this proof brought an atheist to God a genius level thinker would not be fooled by my hallucinations .. as they would need to be made manifest to them ..but lets just say GOD isnt here for me but I do miss the wishing the hope he did love me ...I am forever sorry Dawn I fell asleep as you died ..and to you Robbie I could not help you as I was teetering on cracking at that point in time .. Update God hates SIN not the sinner ,the entire time he pounds away on the people of the earth on the earth he shouts REPENT ..its because God and Sin cannot coexist as he comes to the planet to set up his world ,to repent is to accept Christ who washes you clean . Climate change is a big blind eye that people will have believing its caused by man not by God . Man cannot see God especially while steeped in sin ,when you refuse to repent against all judgenrbt you get tossed away to where sin itself was going you and sin are so intermingled theres no telling the two apart thats how much it radiates through an unwashed in christ person is.