Ok though my ideas are not fully formed on the other pages they are in my head which is extremely more difficult to type out then I thought ..like one idea that is a paragraph turned into like ten pages ..omg  but anyhow let us just say when it is all done i have enough compounded connected thoughts that really make no god not even a 2nd thought anymore OK moving along though I have had I would say every question answered to explain all this shit here on earth and ya making it our faults ..I STILL DONT LIKE IT!! Ok here is a gripe what the fk was this being thinking when he made us in the first place ..I get ya if he didnt then so and so would never have come about and all of it ..BUT with an omni all powerful God couldnt he just default so and so into heaven and have us avoid a life of misery OR even eternity in hell OR eternity of snuffed out of existence?  I know its probably cheating and against his nature so it would once again be like him sinning against himself but wow .. lets just say I am pissed off at this entire fked up bs of a world and life I like life dont get me wrong but all the horror and crap in it and going through ..geez I mean makes it shit ..I guess emotionally I would like to think NO god then you have no one to point at but nature for our physical troubles and man for the shit ..but with god shouldnt we still think that way? is the fact that their is a god does this somehow exclude us and our bs from the equation ? or our physical ailments? I mean we can say well adam screwed up not us ..but we indeed did as well if we sin we get this ..so unless you are saying you are sinless I would have to say we get what we get ..what truly sucks is there is NO FUKING WAY of proving if we do not sin we would not get this ..I think christ getting beat down and killed should show sinless we would STILL take a hurting here but again because of PEOPLE not God ..even though I still feel like this is unfair lol ..I cant get this feeling like i am the one who was shorted on this lifes deal ..idk ..so I say emotions should never over ride a ton of compounded thought evidence ..I can say it does indeed truly suck and makes me have a general type of anger and hopelessness in my chest with depressed feelings and all the toppings . I feel like if i stood before God i really could not point at all but i feel like I would want to look and say WTF? ..and in reflection is this what God would be thinking as well like why would it have to be done this way ..then you have NO because he is God .is there something in the fabric of physicality that forces (like laws of sin or laws of gravity) things in a box that when you create something physical there is only one best line to the best out come and the best outcome is far far superior to what happened? to the point that even hell itself does not compare ..idk.. 

I look at things or try to in what the truth is ..and how should I feel ..not I am afraid to feel HOW i fkn should! ..If God is blessing you and you are happy then thats great praise him ..If he is beating the ever loving shit outta you SORRY I do not praise that shit no offense ..I feel i am still in a better position being upset at God and understadning that yes he INDEED is the root of this BS then feel like lying and saying oh thank you my I have another? OR even worse oh i forgive GOD for doing all this to me or allowing all this to be done to me as if somehow GOD is wrong and needs my forgiveness ... Everything he does HAS to be morally correct has to be right so there is nothing to forgive and I live in a bit of fear feeling like i will continue to get clobbered and that in return will continue to piss me off ..I am in a place in my life where I NEED it to stop I need this supposed mercy to break this cycle that ok I must have put myself in and again I am having to assume this under the above pretences that GOD IS RIGHT.  I think most peple feel God is right and They deserve it ..However as a small child and yes under 2 I truly do remember the horrible nightmares the bs crap I even dealt with then ..all the messed up shit ..should I now take responsibility for being hit for having fear at sucha young age ...NO there is NO FKN WAY i will EVER concede a GOD of any sort being justified for actively doing that to me in my life at that age ..so I have got to feel it was not God ..but people ..however what of dreans of nightmares cantI have had goood dreams ...nope no break no mercy ..so the devil was allowed to torment me at that early of an age and has been allowed all the way through ..and I am now to just mindlessly praise God? that is a lie I woould truly be lying to praise god for hat all of that is BS ..I lack the knowlege to be able to justify at least the childhood trama ..that trained me to think negatively ..and i LOVE you stupid people with your "you need to be optimistice like a coined phrase heard and parated back as if gee well why the fk didnit I think of that ..wow ..ya ..sorry I look at what is not what pipe dream is NOT there ..sorry ..so go ahead leave my life and do not even give me the fucking respect to say way you twat ..I actually hope your life takes a miserable fall and it goes so badly you end up where I am mentally and I only could wish you got to experience MY fucking childhood with MY personality and sensitivity to what wos happening I was quite aware as to the WRONG i was getting ...this reaping what you sew does not fly here ..and that scripture is stupidly used out of context and you piss people off that do not realise it is used wrong ..I mean you in general and I mean a couple of people I used to know that I know do not like and borders hate for them ..I guess I should praise God when only the good things happen and give him no credit for the bad things? when the Bad out weigh BY FAR the good am I to be pleased should I now use the brains I was giving to lie to myself not look at this problem and not feel totally hopeless .I want truth not a lie if god does not like me for fucks sake I WANT TO KNOW ..see and my answer I have found in this life in these event s of my life ..wake the hell up ..if you are being smashed all over the place and you supposed GOD is just watching as you build up a hate and resentment AS YOU SHOULD!!!!! what the hell kind of a father is that ..its not it is a mean sadistical fuck that just enjoys your suffereing because he deems it good!!!! this is the simple fact its simple reality reflected into HOW would a parent be looking letting a child go through so much ..na dont tell me I should be thankful and blinded and stupid over the truth of th matter ..GOD does NOT love me he never did ..fulkc you judge that judge me for seeing the truth and after feel free to punch your own self square in the face you judgemental peice of crap!! God does this because he can i guess even children do not get a pass ..females do not either shilvery is dead with God as well .. see I can write a ton of things that make me wish I could be an atheist but I will not lie to myself either ..I have never ever heard anything close to reasonable to not believe in God I cannot but I also cannot see a point to any of this stuff in my life ..how can I have my wife be a believer and she now is seeing how upset with God I am ..I am a bad example for her ..I would never want her to feel like this about God its not good it rots you away .I need to change these feelings because of her not because of my worries god wont accept me or forgive me ..I think that points been made clear enough to me already ..I wil probably need to fake it with her that its all fuzzy and warm lol ..sux so bad feeling this way ..but ya go on judge how i cannot hold down a job please because we all know a job is what makes a person a good one or not ..judge i have mental issues bitch ..please feel free ..and IF there is any justice you will have it put on you as well and I will watch you try to fight this shit out of you ..and good luck with that ..maybe if you went through all I did and then couldnt hold down work. do to .the amount of anquish and hoplessness I have all through me ..not even being able to sleep properly waking up in terror all the time .. being so overloaded with so many thoughts and dumb ones ont top that you have to sift through lol ..Ive seen some people that did and do indeed pull out of this ..they seem to just idk for give god or accept they deserve it all and ask for forgiveness and truly have turned things around ..I dont have that in me ..It would be a lie for me to blame that on god but i guess blame it the people not god and blame my actions when i came of age on me and the crap that continued ..idk .. this has been a horror show for me ..I dont wan t to be angry at God I dont want to believe he is willfully  just wanting me to suffer just because ..sigh.

 

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