It took me a VERY long time to finally accept that God never loved me and maybe I simply never loved him ,I felt like I did it pains me even typing this out so I guess I can say I had more love for him than he did for me. I will also say the physical abuse he chose to let me go through I really do wonder how much more he would have hated me had I had the power to have him go through what I did . Some may say but he was beat and died for you ..bla bla NO he was beat and died for YOU , for me he just allowed me to experience the hate he had for me through others ..IF i had a loved filled childhood and later on turned bad did shit and my life went in the direction it is now okay I could say I am getting beat down and God is upset maybe showing hate and I deserve it ...but as a small fucking child on up i never had a FUCKING CHANCE!!! that fucking cunt needs to get it all god damned back to him!!! The suffering I have had is unwarranted its a daily mental chore to work through all the thoughts of BAD i have all damn day long with no end in site .. I start off as far back as I can remember is BAD and i can remember far far back further back than even these charlatan scientists believe I should not remember back to! I had a dad long long ago yelling throwing shit at my crib I remember being spanked by his WEAPON OF CHOICE a folded belt when i was in diapers sick o fucker .. nightmare after nightmare was my dreams bullied was my school and beatdowns was my home life ..could not ONE fucking area of my life have somethign to offer .. no it didnt .. a skim over is death after death in my life starting with my Sister i saw hanging there and of course I was to at fault since i didnt watch her good enough ..lets just skip the stories later a wife now that is in love with another man that is suppose to be a christian and this wife i put all my all into and here it is failed .. she using me swearing at her AFTER she cheated on me but telling this new guy of my verbal abuse ..why the fuck is it that females can put you through HELL and say they will try again and here she is still talking with the dude she cheats on you with withholds herself from you and you say how the FUCK is this trying to fix a marriage how is this repentence how am I to forgive this shit when you wont stop talking .. but she kept it up for 4 years withheld now was a sucker ya i was i look at my life and had nothing if she went i wsa with her for too long that if i ended it i could never start again it meant being alone until I died the point of a relationship was quite the opposite of this I deemed her bullshit sucked ass but worse was the total loss of her .. whci i knew i would i get ... I also so god reflecting his torture through my relationships I saw his hand everytime I was hurt in other areas of life every nightmare i had was from him .. he allowed this and even if i did shit wrong to allow for some in route from the devil to torture it was always up to God what was allowed . now here I am watching contempt at me wit her new love he has no idea I know i knew by about the 3rd day they started seeing each other .I am not stupid ..then he fucked up and sent ME a message in a dual account I have ..and i simply read it and said okay well that backs it up .. I didnt say anything to the wonderful mrs until a couple weeks later .. it really didnt matter much anyhow since I already knew and hadnt said anything I only said i knew when she told me to sign papers and i said okay hows NO I needd time to save up she dragged my ass back to an expensive city from a nice affordable appartment only to boot me FUCK YOU and FUCK YOUR GOD!!!!!! my middle finger to the both of you cunts .. so i will save and leave and use that as blackmail to the judge until i have saved then fuck off ill go then .. stupid bastards this new guy with his self righteousness .. thinking there is a right way to take someones wife smh .. hes no christian but is GOD a christian .. NO he allows for his own furkcing word to be broke no punishment for those stealing my wife I get all the hell of it and he laughs at me and there is NOTHING I CAN DO!!